Self-pity and Pride

Infants can only cry. They don’t even know what they need. They feel a discomfort inside themselves, and they cry out until something else makes it go away. If this does not happen, they will die. Therefore, it might be fair to say that every adult we meet has only survived because they successfully made a fuss until they got what they wanted. This does have an effect on our psychology.

As infants, we are not even grateful. We don’t know how to be grateful. Yet we are rewarded for our ingratitude. We struggle against our own parents, pushing the limits of what we can get away with, taking liberties, exploring the extent to which we will be tolerated. Very early—long before we consciously understand it—we experiment with emotional manipulation to maximize the effect of our demands. We lie, pretend, exaggerate, throw fits, and smile, hoping to get more. Those who succeed at such manipulation get rewarded with more, and thus internalize it as the proper way to solve the recurring feelings they hate. Manipulation creates access.

But nobody gets everything they want; and this is necessarily true, because our wants expand. We will continue wanting until it can no longer be provided.

And none of this is immoral. Not only can infants not be blamed, but they are actually doing the right things. If they did not make demands and cry out, they would die. Others actually do have a responsibility to provide for them, and they need to be reminded of that loudly and often, until they understand it. If they do not test the limits of their physical ability, they will atrophy and fail to develop. Human thriving literally requires a constant pushing of what we can get, in order to maximize and optimize our growth.

In other words, the foundational instinct of our personality, before anything else can be established, is entitlement.

Where entitlement leads

Entitlement is good at keeping us alive, but it eventually produces two other personality traits: self-pity and pride. These dual forces can easily dominate our spirit for the rest of our lives. Let me explain how.